Break Up Text 1

I just feel like this situation 

made every heartbreak 

so much more real. 

And when I picture my life 

I want joy and unconditional love 

and someone I can count on to pick me up. 

And I remember crying myself to sleep

 with you laying next to me sleeping soundly, 

and learning songs for you 

and you being indifferent. 

How is it that every other man 

saw who I was but you? 

And if you saw who I was, 

how could treat me like that? 

I remember screaming at each other 

and honestly wishing you would just 

hit me 

or stab me 

just to get it over with. 

I was in a dark place 

and I feel that moving has 

helped me resurface and 

feel again. 

And 

it's 

all 

hitting 

me 

so 

hard 

and 

it 

hurts. 

I used to think I was a bitch 

but now I just think 

I started believing the wrong things about myself. 

Lies that got tangled up in my head 

and you didn't help me believe any other way. 

We thought we were doing the right thing 

being together, 

we were always told it was good 

to make it work, 

to avoid heartbreak, 

that it was good to fall asleep next to someone 

every 

night. 

That it was wonderful to be 80 

and suffered through life 

with each other. 

And we played by EVERYONE else's rules 

but our own. 

And it ruined us I think. 

Every secret. 

Every compromise. 

I feel like I'm floating 

in some sad river to my death 

and there's no happiness along the way. 

And I don't want that. 

What is a successful marriage, anyway? 

People who stay together 

or 

people that love each other 

like their life depends on it? 

Because I feel like even if we stay together, 

it's not the latter. 

I don't think I've ever been loved 

like the other person’s life depended on it. 

But I loved you like my life depended on it

And it almost killed me.

I don't want to be 80 

and have suffered through life with someone.

I want to have danced 

and sang 

and laughed 

through my life. 

I want to have lived a work of art. 

A wild 

messy 

joyful 

work of art. 

Where I loved deeply and was loved in return. 

We get one life. 

I've been with you for eight years 

and I have been profoundly sad for most of it. 

And that's not all your fault at all. 

I had some horrible shit happen 

and I reacted poorly every time. 

I fell so many times, 

but you weren't there to catch me. 

You weren't there to pick me up. 

It feels like you didn't try. 

You lied to me every day 

and brought yourself pleasure 

when all I was feeling was pain. 

I had to fucking fight

 to get to the surface to breathe every morning. 

And I feel like you were a spectator. 

And a cruel one at that.